Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Doctor: are you sexually active?
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
