Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
I want to live my next life backwards
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
E Minor is Spooky.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
