Focusing on the *real* issues.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
So i got her some diet pills.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
