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A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.
I write songs about sewing machines…
I’m a Singer songwriter.
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Our solar system sucks.
1 star.
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
Why can’t snowmen have carrot cake?
They can't have their nose and eat it too.
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
Adam and Eve’s Nationality
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
Today is my 25 birthday. I’m quarantined but it’s still nice to hang with the boys
https://ift.tt/2ZuP1VJ
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
