Follow this man’s advice
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He is disqualified
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore…
Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"