Followed around
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
I can stop whenever I want, just give me a bit more, I just need a quick hit.
I can stop whenever I want, just give me a bit more, I just need a quick hit.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter “f”
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there.
He says he can't complain.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.