Food factoid.
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
A comedian’s fan offered him a joint
Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car. The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so. The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?" The comedian replied, "No, I ran over a skunk a few miles back." The officer gave him a good look over and asked, "Why are your eyes red?" The comedian sniffled and said, "It was a baby skunk." Edit: grammar
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.
It must have been the delivery.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
A man was naked on the beach
He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts. A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat” He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself” EDIT: Y’all so sensitive if the genders were reversed you would say the guy is harassing the girl
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
