Food? Oh…
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
A Joke from my little cousin
/r/Jokes/comments/fjx93d/a_joke_from_my_little_cousin/
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Man, it’s so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
The new employee.
This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…"She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before…." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?