Foot, meet mouth.
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Oregon Trail
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
Two women meets in the afterlife,
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it…
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder…..
…the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume – I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe