For all those who are now staying in their houses and has currently no income and is saving on expenses to be able to make it until this pandemic ends.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
do you think this is a good one
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. âThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.â The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, âWhich do you want, son?â The boy takes the quarters and leaves. âWhat did I tell you?â said the barber. âThat kid never learns!â Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. âHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?â The boy licked his cone and replied, âBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!â
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
Robin: âThe Batmobil isnât starting!â Batman: âDid you charge the battery?â
Robin: âWhat the hell is a tery?â
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
Iâll tell you tomorrow.
ANOTHER MILESTONE ACHIEVED IN THIS GREAT PRESIDENCY. SO MUCH WINNING! âŁđșđžđ„
https://ift.tt/3bXqdZr
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "SĂ." "Ja."
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… Itâs Humerus.
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, âHoney, if I died, would you let your next husband have my reclinerâ?
She replies, âWell it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortableâ. Then I ask, âWhat about my boatâ? And she says, âI just donât think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishingâ. So I did some thinking and asked, âHow about my truck, surely youâll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husbandâ. She replies, âYou know, it is paid for with low miles, Iâll probably hang on to itâ. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, âWell SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubsâ? To which my wife responds, âOh no honey, donât worry about that, heâs left handedâ.