For an English assignment…
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.
One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
A long time ago I read this joke I found so good I wrote it down. I found this note today
Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender. So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection. So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men". Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!". She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!" On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!" The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!" She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this: "Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221th visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please". ————————————————— BONUS JOKE In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around. Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this: "Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop. The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find. The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom. The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
No text found
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."