For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
It means a lot to them.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
It's pretty oak, eh.
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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
It came completely out of the purple…
It was a salt and peppery.
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a… I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating “I asked for a Crown and 7, I’m not very hungry…” The bartender smirks and tells his patron “Sir, that is what I have given you… go ahead and take a bite.” The man bites into the apple, and to his amazement it tastes like 7-Up. “Can I have one of these, but with Crown?” the man asks. The bartender smirks again and tells him to turn the apple around. The man does this and is even more amazed that the apple is an edible mixed drink. A second man walks into the bar, and takes a seat. The bartender greets him, asking what this second customer would like. The man #2 responds with “I’ll have a Jack and coke.” Again, the bartender briefly searches beneath the counter and produces an apple which he places in front of man #2. “What the fuck is this? I ordered a drink, not a damn apple!”, man #2 says in an irritated manner. The firs customer hears man #2’s dismay, and tells him that he needs to try the apple. Man #2 bites into the apple and smiles once he realizes that the bite he took actually tastes like Jack Daniels. He proceeds to ask for a cola mixer, to which the bartender replies “turn it around”. Man #2’s attitude diminishes, and he sits to enjoy his apple. Shortly after, a third man walks in and takes a seat between man #1 and man #2. Man #3 is confused that 2 men in a bar are eating apples rather than drinking. He’s so perturbed by this he decides to ask them both, “why the hell are both of you sitting here eating apples instead of enjoying a few drinks?” Man #1, already on his third apple, is excited to share his newfound love of apples with the man sitting next to him, “you tell the bartender what kind of drink you want, and he has an apple with those exact flavors! I’m eating a Crown and 7 right now!” In disbelief, man #3 looks at man #1 and call him an idiot and a liar. Man #2 who is on his second apple chimes in, “he’s not lying. I’m enjoying my Jack and coke flavored apple. It’s like he’s got an apple for any flavor you want…” Man #3 is perplexed and takes a look at the bartender and asks, “is that true?” The bartender only responds with a nod of his head. Man #3 decides he wants to show the other two men that it’s some cheap parlor trick. He grins, looks at the bartender and says, “You got any that taste like pussy?” The bartender doesn’t hesitate, and immediately takes a look beneath the counter. Once again, he produces an apple and sets it in front of man #3. Man # 3 takes a look at the other 2 patrons who are eager for him to share their love for the magical apples. Man #3 takes a bite, expecting it to taste only like an apple. As soon as the bite touches his tongue, he spits it out. “This tastes like shit!”, man # 3 exclaims. The bartender grins and says “turn it around…”
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
That's not funny.
The bed might be easier though.
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
and then it dawned on me
Because nothing gets under their skin.
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.