For disposal of Kirstens?
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
The spoon in a waiter’s pocket catches the customer’s attention
The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church’s stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head. One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name. The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
Redditors: please be careful this holiday season
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
