For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel…
I had grave concerns
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
What do you call a veterinarian who practices chiropracty?
An animal cracker.
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
No text found
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1…
He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound! As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds! The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks. Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says… "Better start running."