I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
No shit Sherlock
and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune." The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir." The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."
A cross word puzzle.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
Because all proper tea is theft.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive…
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
They're always up to something.
Only a fraction of people know this
They’re all backstabbers
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
This is Sean Connery.
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Oh no, I forgot the line!
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
They kill dogs
It’s a timeless piece, really.
…it would become a pomegranite.
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
You can say… I solved the case.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”