For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
I was having anal sex..
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
Buss😩😩😩
Buss😩😩😩
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George’s hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room. Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs. The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George. "Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist