For my fiancé!
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
I never get included in anything either.
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
His name is Carson.
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
To tell someone they're vegan.
is it still considered a beef?
That spoke volumes.
He ate his food before it was cool.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
But he never laughs at any of them.
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
But it’s definitely up there.