For once I actually want you to “stick it to us liberals”
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist
His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya. "Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day." "Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha. "Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon." His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says. "And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass." Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: "Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie Cars is called “Radiator Springs.”
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
Science riddle (maybe)
So guys i received a riddle for my friend and 1 grand is on the line. Can you guys help me with it?”50+10+0+the middle of the sea+the middle of the sun”
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
No text found
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
Heres one from my chemistry teacher
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”