For puns this bad eye should get the lash.
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
I’m really sad that someone stole my front door.
I need closure.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
The wishes conundrum…
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM!!! she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM!!! she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down… The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why did the sperm go to class?
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
Damn girl, are you a piñata?
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:
“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed” The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner. That evening her date had arrived but was shocked when she opened the door to find a gentleman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. She said to him “I don’t understand you said you would be perfect for me”. He replied “well I have no arms, so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t chase you around town. She stuttered and said “yes but I also wanted somebody who’s good in bed” … he winked and said “I rang the doorbell didn’t I”.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation