For real
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.