FOR SALE, Broken Quiz Machine
No Questions asked
Waitress says, “What can I get you, Hun?”
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
But whiskey will double your vision.
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. “Aye right Show me.” Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks “who’s been a good boy then?” Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. “what he say?” Mate asks
"woof" guy replies
The results speak for themselves.
Turns out I came early.
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
In China, dogs are E10.
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
To take a photo in front of a church.
Because with great power comes great response ability
They were prime mates.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Because it keeps getting fired
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
He still has the right to remain silent.
It’s soda pressing.
I just like the way it smells.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
He’ll be born in February.
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
Just dont put it your back pocket.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I learned next to nothing.