For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
What do houses wear?
Address
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world