Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
My thoughts are with his family!
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village. The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door. "Please madam," says our spy in perfect Russian, "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay." "Well you can't stay here," says Babushka. "You are an American spy." Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this." And he dances his perfect kalinka. "You dance well," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I can prove it for certain." He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing. "You hold your vodka," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." "Alright," sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka – how did you know I'm an American spy?" "You are black."
What a weird thing to lye about
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
Because then it would be a foot
Because all proper tea is theft.
It's called making the little things count.
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I just think he’s mean.
I think he's full of shit
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
And I think I strained my voice.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
The Invisible man!
When it's full groan
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
A receding hareline
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
The weather just isn't suitable
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
The police charged me with hummus-cide
like there's no tomorrow.
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Because it was two-tired
But China got it right off the bat.
They are already experts at recycling.
… I can't wait to see them all.
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey