“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
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Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
a man woke up after a serious accident and he said “I can’t feel my legs!!”
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!