Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
They are Santa's star bucks
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
That she was a little boulder.
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
the shower gets turned on.
Turns out it was a typo.
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Then I was born.
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
But I don't think there's an end to it.
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: “the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!”
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well…" said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden… so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of". So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back. "So… what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander. "Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!" "Did you… cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!" "Hmm… did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!" "Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
Just a lintel bit of the time
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
I don't get it
Police think it is race-related
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it
A four-chin teller.
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
The little moron was a little more on.
Even the cake was in tiers.
It was the wurst.
Stranger Things have happened.