Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…
….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh borg!
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.