Forgiveness as told by the MAGA crowd
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
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https://ift.tt/2CdxXGY
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
What kind of organization does an atheist start?
A non-prophet one
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
I tried to eat a clock the other day.
It was really time consuming
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?
He lost the other in Nom.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
