Forgiveness as told by the MAGA crowd
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
