Forgot how to drive in snow
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
Because they are not when wolves
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
It was framed!
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
The same thing Arkansas!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear…this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants…." "Oh, Sister…!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!" One of my favorite jokes
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
I'm sorry, I'm just not
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
“Sorry, my fault.”
They're throwing a hissy fit.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way.'
Cut off its nose.
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Between you and me, something smells.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
It really makes my day.
The title says it all.
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
…does that mean they're on standbi?
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.