Fork-shadowing
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
