Fortnite = bad
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner.
Waitress says, “What can I get you, Hun?”
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”
Then she did and my day was ruined.
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. " The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.