Found a fresh one
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
Why did the dog go to college?
To get its pedigree.
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
No text found
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
