Found all of these in my English book
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry…. we can't hire you." "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
Never take chidren seriously
They are always kidding.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.