Found an old meme.
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
I got a phone call from my son’s school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins? Yes, how can I help you? Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling Oh, hi Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands! Really? Wow! That’s.. Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
I’m so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.
My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth.
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
Nympho on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.