Found an old meme.
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So…is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
Dad, I can’t sleep.
dad: "Why not?" kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?" dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!" kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.