Found at Home Goods.
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
Why don’t dolphins have legs?
It would de-feet the whole porpoise…
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
I am a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Why did donald trump throw the sick eagle out of USA?
Because it was an illeagle.
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
https://ift.tt/2RKmreA
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
