Found at my school
I told her to get out of my fort.
He really Haddaway with words.
They didn’t see that well.
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
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Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I really need to wash some mugs.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
Ken came in another box
I'm going to put my glasses on
They Shere Khan.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
We’re a cover band.
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.