Found boomer funny at Swiss restaurant, wine good dog give wine good
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
2 christians were stranded in a desert.
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
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