Found in my English textbook
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.
Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!