Found in my math textbook
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,
and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune." The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir." The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Great!
https://ift.tt/2lZyVSN
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.