Found in r/onejob
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
[removed]
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said “Oh look. They have tongue depressers.” He says “Those won’t work on me.” I asked why and he says…
"I'm on antidepressants." He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
Two guys are on opposite sides of a river.
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
I have a good Tupperware joke
but the punchline doesn't fit, its from another Tupperware joke
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.