Found in r/teenagers
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
Someone has been sneaking into my garden and adding top soil…
The plot thickens.
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
I’m not complaining, just expressing something most new Web Developers can understand
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You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
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I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
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I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.