Found in the Wild
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
There was a man named John Odd
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that. So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.