Found my first one!
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.
So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she replied. Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him. Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she answered. Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements. Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’ That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’ She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’
I’m not joking, but he is.
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Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You'll spend the next hundred years in here." "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him. "What about you?" Satan asks the second man. "It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives." "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. "I'll be back for you in a hundred years." "Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes. Satan locks the door behind him as well. "And last but not least, what about you? What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man. "Man, it was definitely the drugs. I was high all the damn time," replies the third man. So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. "Alright alright alright!" the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face. Satan says, "You know the drill, I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door. 100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!" Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life." Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!" Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life." Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"
I don’t know how much she charges,
He doesn’t want to be spotted
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
He always finds them funny
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
is it parishable?
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
It refuses to focus.
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
It’s hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
"Father, father!" he says to the farmer, "This subreddit is amazing! It's full of so many good jokes, I wish I could be just as funny as all the redditors I've seen." The farmer laughs at his son and tells him, "Son, if you really want to be like the redditors on r/Jokes you'll have to first sow your Ohsts." His son looks at him, perplexed. "What on earth are 'Ohsts'? I've never seen you with those." "I know you've heard the saying 'you reap what you sow', and the same saying applies reddit," the farmer tells his son. "Those redditors just sow their Ohsts so they can reap Ohst, reap Ohst, and reap Ohst."
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
They each got six months.
It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
You Owe Me One, Kenobi