Found on a distant friends story
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead motherโs remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – โWhat would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?โ
Guy #2 – โI would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?โ Guy #1 – โIโd sit very fucking still for the next hour!โ
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, โThey must be French, theyโre naked and theyโre eating fruit.โ The Englishman says, โClearly, theyโre English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.โ The Soviet replies, โNo, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Never date an apostrophe.
They're too possessive.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
โIโm pumpedโ.
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
Whatโs heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much itโs going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, โYou lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!โ The lawyer is incensed and says, โHow dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure Iโm under!โ The cop says, โWell, youโre so concerned about your beamer, you didnโt notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.โ The lawyer looks down and screams โFuck! My rolex!โ
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.