Found on Facebookđ
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesnât speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya honâ, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. âHoney, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.â Wife: âMy God! Whatâs happened?â Husband: âShe got fired tooâ
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
Whatâs the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You donât have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
Theyâve left no tern unstoned
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
I canât see an end, I have no control and I donât think thereâs any escape â I donât even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
