Found on Facebook
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
A man is at his wife’s funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.