Found on Facebook, because of course
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Why didn’t Dwayne Johnson’s downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because he’s been living under a rock.
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch…
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: Sure Bert!
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.