Found on FB
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think itβs nuts.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was βthanksβ…
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.
She said, βHoney, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, Iβm not lying.β
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
How much does it cost to ride Santaβs sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
Iowa Caucus Goers: Prove you caucused and get a cool flair!
Being able to decide who represents each party’s ticket is only part of what makes primaries and caucuses so important to participate in. Sure, you can voice your opinion online easier, but standing up and voting has the ability to make an actual impact in our democracy.To help recognize those who have done their duty and stood up to make their voices heard, we’re awarding user flairs to people who have caucused and voted during the primaries. To help alleviate our workload, we’re doing this in sections. Currently, we’re only giving users flair if they are Iowans who have caucused tonight.IOWANS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU CAUCUSED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
Thatβs a ton of money!
![[NSFW]. I hope she gets a clue](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/m8bvpjxqngc31-400x711.jpg)
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
When I see lovers’ nΞ±mes cΞ±rved in Ξ± tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
Β I just think it's surprising how mΞ±ny people bring a knife on a dΞ±te.
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
A bear walks into a bar…
The bear says: βIβd like a whiskey and……………………….coke please. Bartender says: βWhy the big pause?β Bear replies: βI was born with them.β Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Hereβs how it happened: 2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have…………………………..milk pwease? Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?! Only I laughed…my ass off. Guess Iβll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.
