Found on Grandpa’s Facebook
Tribal selective obtuseness
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
And that’s and facts
Get Well Soon
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
It’s not about sending a message. It’s about the money.
.cs file? More like .see less file… amirite?
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
AI finding optimal way to eat breakfast.
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
And I still get free GitHub
Fake Commercial #4 – Antivison glasses
A Tale of Two Americas
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Density times volume
It’s always his fault
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
why santa might be a republican [OC]
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
Imagine… Just imagine…
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
So they got rid of the Native American but they kept her land?
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
One honorable Repug out of fifty three …
My recent troubles with vertical-align:middle; inspired me.
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
When my friends and family tell me that I should go to therapy
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
e l i t e h u m o u r
sorry for the trash editng and BTW get it they explode when meet
Best friends for life
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
x86 Birth control
I don’t what to say really…
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My daughter asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
probably a repost but i like it.
max = Math.max(max, current);
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!