Found on IG
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
“They’re just doing their jobs, we don’t know what happened before the incident”
https://ift.tt/2XDVY5z
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
“Meat Patty.”
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot. "Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!" The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and keeps flying straight and level. The fighter jock asks, "Um… What did you do?" The B-52 pilot says, "I just shut down two engines."
Atheism
Is a non-prophet organization
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral…
…were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage" The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage" The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage"
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
Altar boy goes to confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.