found on instagram
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
A woman goes to see her therapist…
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
I don’t get people who call it a first world problem when they can’t charge their phones
African kids can't charge their phones either.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .
In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
Chinese is a tonal language…
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use. This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations. Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.