Found on Instagram
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction…
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
Husband: I don’t like three things about you. Wife: What things?
Husband: Your chin.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk…
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.