Found on Instagram
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-1-400x433.png)
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: “Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.” The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: “Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.” When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!” The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
