Found on my Pinterest board, complete with iFunny watermark
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cause you’re blocking the TV
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
