Found on my Pinterest board, complete with iFunny watermark
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
A Construction Company
A construction company was once working on a large corporate building. The manager was overseeing it's construction, making sure every beam was squared and every brick was the right shade. After all, he had even hired artists to add bright murals to the place. Halfway through the making of this, a worker approached the manager. The worker says, "Sir, isn't this building a bit colorful for a corporate workplace? I mean, we can barely transport all this dye with the forklift!" To which the manager replies, "Not to worry my friend! It'll work! You just need to expand your pallet!"
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
How are you supposed to know its funny if the background doesn’t tell you so??
https://ift.tt/2UxT6W5
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald duck.”
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
A Mini-soda
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
